Adlibbing on impulsivity

Regret and impulse and lessons and The Industry

Lately (for years semi-routinely) I've been making promising to myself under my breath to be more considered with what I do and say. I could chalk it up to being a fire sign running hot and by my emotions or maybe, being slightly irresponsible(Leo) my whole life as the youngest sibling and cousin by decades. Thinking about not being so reactive and impulsive and emotionally charged but I’ve always struggled with finding the fulcrum (a new term I learned on this app). The balance between any two things; say when does any desire to self-improve stop serving you and start serving others/something ‘other’…? When does a boundary become repression/restriction? And who decides? Everybody’s measurements are different. Like I guess the point is to identify that within yourself and the fact that it will shift constantly throughout our lives as we go through it constantly changing. I stay so stuck because I'm trying to exist within good/bad right/wrong dichotomies, all the while knowing that these binaries don't exist. So instead kind of running on the spot and digging a deeper existential hole where the decision made is no decision at all.

I lost touch with my gut instinct so long ago. Oftentimes feels easier to go against myself than it is to place trust there. I’m aware of the many reasons why this is, some more painful and individual, and others more societal and shared with other people like me. The music industry does not encourage you to trust yourself. You have to put yourself in crazy situations that are scary and foreign and often told things like ‘fake it till you make it’ or some version of this. You have to be vulnerable to people you don’t know, sometimes thousands at a time. Sometimes one singular industry person you’ve e-met and who holds the key(bag) that will determine whether or not you’ll be able to eat and afford rent. But you are chasing your dream and you love music and this stranger believes in you so you do it.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted away my twenties chasing music, not becoming financially literate, not growing up like my 9 to 5er friends, not having a routine, a dependable income, health insurance, not having regular social skills etc etc…but same time I don’t care and fuck it and same time I do care because I believe these are things that should be achievable for artists, but instead are skills that are gatekept from us. Sadly, often by managers or people that are think they are protecting us. I do think it speaks to the larger issue of the mechanics of the music industry, but it can speak to individuals who are not interested in the wellbeing of artists and more preoccupied with success and relevancy. I’ve seen it far too much. Things are especially dangerous if you are a Blakfella. We talk about it in our intimate circles but do music lovers know that there’s an extremely common experience among mob of being put on allowances by their managers? Or put into extreme debt. Do non-First Nations artists know about this? So many of the Greats, do not see a financial return for all that they have contributed to the industry while, labels and executives of wherever cash in on someone else’s vulnerability and story telling.

I posted a story on ig (impulsively) the other day about feeling irked by people on a steady income always being the ones to ask for a free door spot when these days live shows are often artists’ only stream of income. It can be disheartening when it’s your own friends even though it’s not their fault. It’s just the ways things are right now. Or because people think music is fun and a labour of love. Or because people are so conditioned now to have an artists entire catalogue for free. I’ve never really understood it when we’ve seen so many times it cost people’s actual lives. I don’t want to die by my own pen or sword or whatever the saying is. And it sounds dramatic but the music industry has absolutely nearly killed me multiple times. I was surprised by the amount of people from different areas of the industry that dm’d to thank me and share frustrations. All this stuff has been on my mind for so long and it feels a little like there’s more conversations happening publicly. I’m noticing friends outside of the industry taking interest in stories about how streaming has killed music. Or even Chappel Roan speaking about it at the Grammys and these kinds of things. Although, I do remain skeptical and worry that the conversation is just too deeply boring for people in a world where everything is hard and scary.

I got all these tattoos while I lived in the city and now when I look at them I feel dirty. I no longer feel connected to the person I was when I got them and they remind me of some of the lowest points of my life. I saw online that Pete Davidson spent $200,000 on a whole body tattoo removal and honestly I am so jealous I don’t have that kind of disposable income but also…wth ouch? I want to scrub mine off most of the time but I don’t know if I will ever bother going through laser. Maybe it is a lesson in owning my mistakes and decisions and the impulsivity I have often come up against. Taking a huge step back gigging felt a little like jumping off the ferris wheel. I went through a process of kind of grieving and regretting all the things I felt like I missed out on while I was on the relevancy wheel. Family commitments, birthdays, baby showers, all kinds of things I wish I had been there for.

I want to make decisions out of curiosity instead of fear. Fear of making the wrong decision or one that will irreparably change the direction of my life. Algorithm advice the other day said not to “worry about making the right decision but make the decision right”. I’m grieving a huge loss in my life at the moment that I think my body/brain is protecting me from fully recognising as real, but it’s brought in a lot of reflection I feel truly grateful for. I’ve been basking in the sun of gratitude possibly more than I ever have before. I’ve been reading journal entries from the pandemic. I’ve been realising how much beauty has always been around me but I couldn’t see in real time. How much time I have lost to distractions and being caught up in other peoples ideas of who I am. I’ve been turning off my phone and leaving it at home and gardening and lying on the ground to stare at the clouds and make pictures with them. I want to keep writing and noticing and taking note of what I want to spend my time on and what no longer serves me.

If you made it this far thanks, a kind of half a pre-meditated entry and other half me sat in the park thinking to the point of wanting the dopamine hit of releasing something by posting it online to be read by someone other than me. So if that is you.
Thanks <3 bye x